Never mind the tonk, here's the Honky

night time
nothing more than crickets chirping
and the sound of dew forming on the grass
my mind is equally vacant and tranquil
slowly giving in to the night
darkness engulfs me
in the visual silence
my mind fills in the blanks around me
to soften the harshness of life
to the point of nothingness




My eyes are bloodshot from insomnia. The night was not kind to me and the morning was a brutal attack on my sleep. I was beaten into motion to greet the day and to say that I was reluctant would be a major understatement. The combination of my green eyes and the bloodshot condition is rather festive and borderline Christmas-y. I’m guessing the next logical step is to make some kind of glasses out of Christmas wreaths or a giant Christmas wreath sombrero. Classy enough to be worn at formal shindigs and informal enough to be worn at convenience stores without drawing too many worried stares from employees and patrons alike.




For my money, there are very few, if any, diseases with a name as cool as scurvy. It seems to float on the air like a helium-filled balloon. I can just imagine a hipper-than-thou beatnik pirate saying “Man, that scurvy is groovy.” This chap would be decked out in his bell-bottom pirate pants, a tie-dyed peace symbol on the eye patch, and a pirate ship built by Volkswagen. Of course, the ship has to have the obligatory Jerry Garcia sticker and maybe a line of the dancing Grateful Dead bears. A boat like that is probably what pissed off the shark in Jaws. If I was a shark, a giant killer whale, or even the Loch Ness Monster, I wouldn’t want an ugly ass boat like that sailing overhead in my ocean. I’d be raising some underwater hell to beat the band.

While scurvy sounds groovy, herpes has a happy sound to it…until you get it. Then it’s your ass, well, maybe not exactly the ass. But you must admit, herpes has a much perkier sound to it than syphilis.

There are others that don’t sound happy at all. As a diabetic, it’s a little disheartening to have a disease with both “die” and “beat” in the pronunciation. The fact that they moved “die” to the front of the choo-choo sucks, but it gives diabetics an edge and makes them meaner than the average bear.




I’m in constant amazement that some people actually give a flying fuck about the on-again/off-again love life of Ben and J-Lo. I am equally surprised that anyone would willingly call themselves “J-Lo.” But I really shouldn’t be surprised since our world seems to embrace flaccid entertainment like the so-called reality shows and even worse, yuppie horseshit like “Friends.” With friends like “Friends,” I’ll stick with enemies.




It’s good to hear your voice
on a night like this
when all I want to do is die
my saving grace in the darkest hours
and the light at the end of the tunnel
give me your strength
show me what it means to be alive
and push the blood through my veins
someday things will work out even for a moment
however fleeting it may be
that one moment would be enough to sustain me




“They’re all godless atheists and as you know, that’s the worst kind.”
--anonymous




floating effortlessly, endlessly
pick up my body and let the flow be my guide
close my eyes, open my mind
let the soul explode
destruction of the spectrum
sending fragments into the stratosphere
and into the darkest crevasses of emptiness
filled to capacity with everything
overflowing, spilling over the outer edges
washing over all that stop in their tracks
long enough to get a little on their shoes




Sometimes, I think I could sit thinking about nothing forever. So much of my life is spent with positively no thought passing from cell to cell. I savor these times, because it is a time when I’m not thinking about life. I tend to gravitate instantaneously between the two. A mere moment ago, I was floating in nothingness. I was nothing. I thought of nothing. I wasn’t here. I wasn’t there. I did this without leaving my chair or changing my physical plane of existence. It’s an out of body experience without the move.




Me, You, & Beethoven

We sought solace in Beethoven’s 5th. I didn’t like it so much, but I was trying to be polite. Hours and hours were spent in its grasp. Hours stacked upon hours that probably equal three weeks in dog years.

We listen to these things to seem like such enlightened individuals. Like a 100 watt bulb in a 60 watt world. It gives us that old world charm while we adjust the EQ on the Volvo’s CD player.

We sip our authentic Brazilian coffee, which is made from only the finest of the finest beans, and spend our evenings watching PBS and thinking about recycling. Those homeless people are such a drag while we make our way from the suburbs to our destination. Our Kenny G CD can only uplift so much, so we have to look the other way or drive faster. The new age jazz falls short of the emotional goal line, but it’s so safe and unthreatening. Our family values remain in tact while we listen to these songs devoid of any trace of the human existence.




Breathe in the dream
and exhale all that matters to you
Let it drift away and come back to haunt you.




She beat him senseless with a beef log from Swiss Colony. He had nothing to defend himself with but a half empty bag of pretzels and a box of Junior Mints. While it was the movie theater size, it was hardly enough to combat the wrath. A food fight to the death with life for the victor. Swing for the cheap seats and duck when the shit hits the fan. The giant deli tray can be yours, my friend.